The Long Dark Tea Time of Love

 The scene is a random Call Centre somewhere in the UK. 
‘Can you feel the love tonight’ is being softly piped through the PA system.

Customer Services Assistant (CSA): How can I help?
Customer: Well, it’s about my car…
CSA: Yes?
Customer: it… [lowers voice to hushed whisper] it… knows what I’m thinking.
CSA: Err. Right. How can you tell?
Customer: well, it stopped by itself at the garage the other day, just as I was thinking about petrol. And today, I found myself cruising around Soho…
CSA: Hmmm.
Customer: I live in Devon.
CSA: Well. [Pauses] We have no precedent for this, and it’s kind of hard to prove. I mean, are you sure you don’t have narcolepsy?
Customer: No.
CSA: Schizophrenia, dissociative identity disorder, mania, bi-polar, motorphobia or any other form of diagnosed psychiatric disorder?
Customer, No.
CSA: Are you just a bit… sexually frustrated?
Customer [impatient]: Well yes… Me and the wife haven’t made love for 27 years. But I normally wouldn’t take a detour of 200 miles on my way home from work… I mean, that’s just mental.
CSA. Right. What are you thinking, right now?
Customer: I’m thinking of David Craig in Skyfall. I don’t know why. He’s just so butch in that film... [Deep sigh] I am having a bit of a mid-life crisis…
CSA: OK, right. And what is your car doing?
Customer: [looks outside] Oh shit…
CSA: what?
Customer: it’s… it’s got Craig David in it… Craig David is sitting inside my car, hammering at the windows…
CSA: Good! Well that clears it up. You have formed a loving emotional bond with your automobile. I believe this is known as objectum sexuality. [Pause]. And your car also appears to be directly responding to your thoughts - albeit in a slightly menacing way. It also appears to be dyslexic.
Customer: [Panicking] What the f*ck do I do?
CSA: I don’t know. Good luck! I’m resigning. I have an MSc in Deep Ecology for Chrissakes. I’m not equipped to deal with this shit! [Falls to his knees, sobbing while making wild and some might say, overly theatrical, clawing actions in the air]

[Scene zooms out to reveal hundreds of rows of identical white desks stretching out ad infinitum]
[Ends]